No Such Thing
by subduedfangirl
Summary: "Levi," Hanji whispered, so quiet that even she could barely hear her own voice. "I know that you're not in there, and that you can't hear me anymore… But there's something that I need to say to you." [Written for Levihan Week 2014. Prompt: Forever.]


**A/N: **I had a really hard time coming up with something for this prompt until this jumped into my head. I wrote the first draft in one sitting, and it hurt my heart. I used to have a personal rule about writing fics like this, but I guess that's broken now... I would say "I hope you enjoy" like usual, but that feels wrong here. Uh... Don't hate me too much?

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><p>Hanji was determined not to cry.<p>

She fixed her gaze in front of her at the coffin draped in the flags of Maria, Rose and Sina. A small mountain of flowers was piled on top of it. Hanji was sure that they could smell them all the way outside the chapel. She heard a cut-off sob behind her and set her jaw. Hanji's grip tightened on the carefully folded flag in her hands, reminding herself what she was going to do, what she had to do.

She wouldn't let them see her cry.

Hanji tried not to listen to the official standing at the podium to the side, droning on and on about things he didn't know and would never understand. The government had sent him. This entire ceremony had been the government's idea. The building was full, but not with people who cared. They'd just wanted to witness the spectacle. At least by sitting in the front row, Hanji wouldn't have to watch the fake grief from the nobles who'd wanted to see a show.

But with every passing second, Hanji felt how _wrong_ everything was. The place shouldn't have been packed with nobles. If any service had to be held, it should've been for the people who knew him and them alone. Erwin had said as much before she'd left. The rest of them had refused to go. He would have wanted it that way, Erwin said. Hanji could still feel the weight of his hands on his shoulders as he'd explained. If the government wanted to make him their martyr, then he would've preferred that none of them recognize it.

Hanji knew that Erwin was right. And now that she was here, it was hard to remember why she hadn't followed Erwin's lead. Would it have hurt less if she'd just stayed at HQ, pretending not to notice the empty room and the constant whispers of _what now?_

She blinked, keeping her gaze on the coffin steady. No, this was where she needed to be. Even now, she couldn't let him be alone.

"—A word from one of his colleagues, the only member of the Survey Corps who was able to part with their busy schedule to honor their fallen comrade. Hanji Zoe?"

Hanji closed her eyes and took a deep breath before standing up. She held the folded flag close to her side, shifting her fixed gaze to the podium. The government man stepped aside. Hanji didn't look at his face, but her eyes caught the flash of gold at his neck that marked him as a member of the Wall Cult. For a moment, Hanji felt like she was going to throw up.

She turned and faced the crowd. All eyes in the large chapel were fixed on her now. Hanji felt herself fill with a strange sense of calm. It didn't matter what they thought, or if she ended up playing into the government's show for the nobles. This was her chance to say goodbye.

Hanji placed the folded flag in front of her and gripped the sides of the podium. "If Levi were here today," she began, "And could see all of this… He would hate every bit of it."

A few murmur went through the crowd, and Hanji felt a smile pulling at her face. She continued. "He'd want to know what the fuck made him so special, and why he didn't get a bonfire like every other soldier."

A woman in the crowd had gasped at the word "fuck," and was now fluttering her fan in front of her face as if she were about to faint. Hanji's smile grew wider.

"Because, you see, Levi couldn't give less of a shit about what the people in Sina thought of him. He called you all pigs on a regular basis." Hanji swept her arm towards the coffin and its flowers. "He wouldn't be surprised at all to know that you all value him dead than alive. Now you have your folktale. Your martyr. Humanity's Strongest, who couldn't last through the war."

The murmuring grew louder, and Hanji had to stop herself because of a lump closing up her throat. When the voices went quiet again, and Hanji found hers once more. "That's part of what made him amazing, I think," she said. "He never did any of this for recognition. He hated to see people die, and if putting his own life on the line meant that someone else could keep theirs, then, well…"

Hanji paused, catching her breath. Some of the nobles were exchanging glances with each other. This wasn't what they'd wanted to see. Something inside Hanji's heart burned at that realization.

"I don't know if Levi believed in something bigger than himself," Hanji continued. "I don't think that he did. One time he told me that there's no such thing as forever. Only death." Hanji dropped her arms from the podium. "That was what always amazed me. That someone as cynical as him could still believe in and fight for a tomorrow."

The lump in her throat came back with that last word, and Hanji gasped for air. She laughed, but it came out like a sob. The murmurs were coming back as well. Her time was running out.

"I don't even know why I'm trying to explain this," she said. "None of you will ever understand. He's just Humanity's Strongest to you. But for me… I came to say goodbye to my friend."

Hanji picked up the flag and walked away from the podium, heading for the coffin. The smell of the flowers was even more overwhelming up close, like they were trying to choke her with sweetness. Hanji stared at it all for one last moment, taking in the display that the government felt that he'd earned.

Then she lifted her arm and knocked it down.

The gasps that Hanji heard behind her were louder than the sound the flowers made as the pile collapsed to the ground, covering the banners of the walls in flower petals and sticky nectar. Hanji walked across them, not caring that she would have to answer for her disrespect later. She brushed the remaining broken stems off the top of the coffin, leaving it as the only clean thing left on the chapel altar.

Hanji opened the green flag of the Survey Corps, draping it across the top of the coffin. She felt a little calmer when she saw the blue and white wings stretching across it. Hanji brushed her fingers across the embroidery, her hand shaking.

"Levi," Hanji whispered, so quiet that even she could barely hear her own voice. "I know that you're not in there, and that you can't hear me anymore… But there's something that I need to say to you. I couldn't say it when you were alive."

A tear rolled down Hanji's cheek. "I love you. Forever."

She didn't wipe the tear away as she stepped back and saluted the coffin, her final goodbye as a fellow soldier. After a long moment, Hanji turned on her heel and headed down the center aisle, eyes fixed on the double doors of the chapel. She didn't even glance at the shocked and confused faces of the fake mourners surrounding her.

Hanji pushed open the doors and walked out into the streets of the capital. She didn't look back.


End file.
